When Love Feels Distant: Overcontrol in Romantic Relationships
How RO-DBT Helps Partners Move from Isolation to Intimacy
By Nathan D. Tomcik, PhD, ABPP Board-Certified in Couple & Family Psychology
Introduction: Our Relationships Matter
I have been a couple and family therapist for a long time. As a board-certified psychologist in Couple and Family Psychology, I have had the privilege of sitting with partners, parents, children, and extended families through some of their most difficult struggles. What I’ve learned is that individual pain almost never exists in isolation. It is inextricably embedded in relationships. Our ways of coping, communicating, and even withdrawing say as much about the system we live in as they do about us.
Early in my career, I was deeply influenced by systems-oriented approaches. These models taught me to look beyond individual psychopathology and instead examine the feedback loops that emerge in relationships. In couples and families, the behavior of one person is usually a predictable response to another’s. These reciprocal patterns often create cycles that, while understandable, drive disconnection rather than connection. Over time, these cycles become entrenched, leaving partners or family members feeling stuck.
“What I’ve learned is that individual pain almost never exists in isolation. It is inextricably embedded in relationships.”
It was my interest in these feedback loops that drew me to Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT). While RO-DBT was not originally designed as a couple or family therapy, its focus on social signaling and overcontrol has profound implications for how we understand and reshape relational dynamics.
The Systemic Lens: Feedback Loops in Relationships
Systems theory teaches us that behavior makes sense when we consider the broader relational context. A classic example is the pursue–withdraw cycle that plays out in many couples. One partner, (let’s call them the pursuer) seeks closeness and reassurance. They may press for conversation, initiate emotional disclosure, or demand connection when they feel insecure. The other partner (the withdrawer) seeks stability and safety. They may retreat, shut down, or pull away when they feel pressured.
Both partners are motivated by legitimate needs. The pursuer wants intimacy. The withdrawer wants security. Yet the loop they create leaves them both frustrated. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. The more the other withdraws, the more desperate the pursuer becomes. Each partner is responding logically to the other, but the loop generates the exact opposite of what both long for. The pursuer feels abandoned. The withdrawer feels overwhelmed. Disconnection reigns.
In family systems terms, this is a homeostasis that maintains itself even despite the pain it causes. The system resists change because each partner’s behavior reinforces the other’s. As a family psychologist, the task is not to blame either person but to alter the loop. That is to create a new equilibrium where behavior drives connection rather than disconnection.
Overcontrol: A Different Kind of Trap
While systemic loops explain much about relational distress, some partners also bring an additional layer of difficulty: overcontrol. RO-DBT describes overcontrol as a coping style characterized by perfectionism, rigidity, excessive self-control, and heightened threat sensitivity. Overcontrolled individuals often mask emotions, inhibit impulses, and prioritize control over spontaneity.
In many situations these behaviors are adaptive. The underlying intention of overcontrol (OC) behavior is pro-social. Overcontrolled individuals are conscientious, dependable, and hardworking. In relationships, however, excessive overcontrol can lead to profound difficulties in connecting. One partner’s reluctance to express emotion may appear cold or disinterested. Their avoidance of vulnerability may be interpreted as rejection. Their subtle signals of care may be missed entirely by a partner longing for more explicit expression.
The paradox is that overcontrol is often motivated by the desire for safety and belonging. By masking emotion, the individual seeks to avoid rejection. By carefully controlling behavior, they hope to maintain harmony. Yet the effect is often the opposite: others experience them as distant or disengaged, leading to social ostracization. This rejection then reinforces their threat sensitivity, fueling even greater self-control. The feedback loop becomes self-perpetuating: efforts to stay safe create the very disconnection they most fear.
RO-DBT’s Contribution: Social Signaling and Behavioral Experiments
What drew me to RO-DBT is its radical shift in emphasis. Traditional approaches to therapy often focus on emotion regulation within the individual. RO-DBT, by contrast, emphasizes social signaling. Social signals are the subtle cues we send (intentionally or not) that either invite connection or block it. The core insight is that disconnection is not primarily a problem of emotional experience but of how emotions are communicated.
In practice, this means that therapy is less about managing or suppressing feelings and more about experimenting with new ways of signaling openness, vulnerability, and authenticity. The practice of RO-DBT invites us to engage in behavioral experiments: trying out different expressions, testing new ways of showing emotion or intention, and observing how others respond.
For example, a person who masks sadness in order to appear strong might practice allowing tears to show when discussing something painful. While their overcontrolled instincts warn them that this risks judgment or rejection, the experiment often yields the opposite result: others lean in, offer comfort, and deepen the bond. Through repeated experiments, we learn that connection comes not from perfect control but from openness.
The core insight is that disconnection is not primarily a problem of emotional experience but of how emotions are communicated.
In couples work, these experiments can be powerful. Imagine a withdrawer who has always shut down during conflict choosing instead to say, “I’m scared I’ll make things worse if I talk.” That disclosure signals vulnerability, which often elicits care rather than attack. The loop begins to shift. Connection grows where disconnection once thrived.
Case Illustration: Pursue and Withdraw, Revisited
Let’s return to the pursue–withdraw cycle. In traditional systemic terms, we help partners see the loop and experiment with new responses: the pursuer softens their approach, the withdrawer stays present rather than retreating. But with RO-DBT, we also examine the social signals of overcontrol from a much broader lens.
The withdrawing partner, for instance, may not simply be avoiding conflict, they may be masking fear. Their flat tone, lack of eye contact, or minimal responses signal disinterest even if they care deeply. The pursuing partner, meanwhile, may escalate in intensity because they interpret these signals as rejection. The loop intensifies.
Through behavioral experiments, the withdrawer learns to signal their true intent. Instead of retreating behind a mask, they might take a breath, make eye contact, and say, “I care about this conversation, but I need a moment to gather my thoughts.” That small shift in signaling can dramatically change the partner’s perception. The pursuer feels acknowledged. Their urgency lessens. A new loop begins to form; one where openness replaces defensiveness, and connection becomes possible.
Why Relationships Matter: The Human Need for Connection
Whether we approach the issue through systems theory or RO-DBT, the conclusion is the same: relationships are essential. As human beings, we are wired for connection. We need relationships not only to survive but to thrive. It is in connection that we find safety, belonging, and meaning.
The tragedy of excessive overcontrol is that a pro-social intention ultimately thwarts this most fundamental human need. In the pursuit of safety through self-control, individuals inadvertently signal disconnection. What I find hopeful about RO-DBT and systemic couple and family therapy is that new patterns are always possible. By altering feedback loops, experimenting with new behaviors, and embracing vulnerability, couples and families can create a new homeostasis, one that drives connection rather than disconnection.
Final Thoughts:
After 28 years of working with couples and families, I remain deeply optimistic. I have seen relationships once locked in destructive cycles find new equilibrium. I have witnessed partners who feared rejection learn to risk openness and discover the profound safety of being known. I have watched families transform as members recognize that everyone’s behavior makes sense when seen in the context of the system.
RO-DBT adds a vital piece to this puzzle by illuminating the role of overcontrol and social signaling. It offers not only tools but hope; that even deeply entrenched patterns can shift, and that connection is always possible.
At the end of the day all of us, whether we are the pursuers, withdrawers, over controllers, or somewhere in between, we are all seeking the same thing: to belong. To find safety in the presence of others. To thrive through connection. That is the heart of relationships, and that is the heart of what we aim to foster at Radically Open Connections.
If you or someone you love feels stuck in cycles of disconnection, whether in a couple, family, or individually, know that change is possible. At Radically Open Connections, we specialize in helping conscientious, perfectionistic, and achievement-oriented individuals and families find new ways of relating, ways that move from isolation to connection.
