Learning to Be Seen: The Journey from Self-Reliance to Connection

I Know Her, But Does She Know Me?

My wife and I have been learning something new about our relationship. I know her well—not just her history or life stories, but her inner world—her thoughts, emotions, and daily experiences. She is an open book, regularly sharing what’s on her mind in the moment.

“If I truly want to connect with my wife, I have to start sharing my inner world—my thoughts, opinions, and emotions—in real time.”

I, on the other hand, have realized that I am not as well known. Sure, she knows my history, my values, and the stories of my past, but my day-to-day inner experiences remain a mystery to her. And it’s not because she isn’t paying attention—it’s because I haven’t been sharing them.

This realization hit me hard: If I truly want to connect with my wife, I have to start sharing my inner world—my thoughts, opinions, and emotions—in real time.

Why Is This So Hard?

Lately, I’ve been exploring my personal history and my family of origin. During this process, I’ve uncovered something important: from a very young age, I learned to internalize my emotions. I relied on myself to manage distress and didn’t turn to others for support. This avoidant attachment style became so ingrained that it felt normal—even necessary—for survival.

Then I noticed something curious: when my wife would ask me about my day, I’d get defensive or brush off the question. Why? Because I wasn’t used to sharing. I had been conditioned to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, to solve my own problems, and to not burden others with what was going on inside me.

Change Feels Cumbersome (and a Little Scary)

Realizing I needed to change was one thing—actually changing is another. Externalizing my emotions feels foreign and unnatural. It’s uncomfortable to rely on someone else for emotional support after a lifetime of self-reliance. There’s an underlying fear: What if I share my emotions and they’re not received well? Do I even know what I'm feeling? Yikes! 

This shift has felt both scary and cumbersome, but I’m working on it. One small strategy that’s helped is keeping notes in my phone throughout the day about my thoughts and feelings. Later, I share these logs with my wife as a way to practice opening up. It’s a small step, but it’s a start.

The Science Behind Co-Regulation: Why Connection Matters

My experience isn’t unique. Research shows that co-regulation—our ability to manage emotions through connection with others—is critical for emotional well-being. Neurobiologically, humans are wired for social connection. When we share emotions with trusted others, our nervous systems synchronize, reducing stress and increasing feelings of safety and belonging.

In fact, studies suggest that co-regulation is essential for developing emotional resilience. Children learn to regulate emotions through their caregivers' soothing presence, and adults continue to benefit from co-regulation in relationships. Without it, we may develop patterns of emotional overcontrol—rigid self-reliance that can lead to loneliness, anxiety, and depression.

How RO-DBT Helps Build Connection

Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT) is designed for people like me—those who tend to be overcontrolled, perfectionistic, and emotionally restricted. Standard therapy often teaches people to control their emotions, but for those of us who already do that too well, RO-DBT teaches something different: how to open up, how to be flexible, and how to connect.

RO-DBT offers skills to help people practice emotional openness, address maladaptive social signals, and take healthy risks in relationships—all of which are necessary for deep, meaningful connection. For me, it has provided a roadmap for stepping outside my comfort zone and learning how to share in ways I never have before.

Small Steps Toward Openness

If you, like me, have spent a lifetime keeping your emotions to yourself, know that change is possible—even if it feels unnatural at first. Here are a few small steps that have helped me begin this journey:

• Track your thoughts and emotions in a journal or phone notes to become more aware of your inner world.

• Use the awareness continuum, a mindfulness practice in RO DBT where individuals describe their internal experiences out loud in real time, helping build flexible attention and nonjudgmental awareness of the present moment.

• Intentionally share one thought or feeling each day with a trusted person.

• Remind yourself that connection takes practice. It’s okay if it feels difficult or awkward at first, growth always does.

At Radically Open Connections, we help people who struggle with overcontrol find the courage to connect in meaningful ways. If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. We’ll be sharing more insights and strategies in future posts—because connection starts here.

References:

Paley, B., & Hajal, N. J. (2022). Conceptualizing Emotion Regulation and Coregulation as Family-Level Phenomena. Clinical child and family psychology review, 25(1), 19–43. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00378-4

Lynch, T. R., Hempel, R. J., & Dunkley, C. (2015). Radically Open-Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Disorders of Over-Control: Signaling Matters. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 69(2), 141–162. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.2015.69.2.141

Gilbert, K., Hall, K., & Codd, R. T. (2020). Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy: Social Signaling, Transdiagnostic Utility and Current Evidence. Psychology research and behavior management, 13, 19–28. https://doi.org/10.2147/PRBM.S201848